Eternally Lost
by Xzero
Summary: Everyone knows that Ryoga is depressed, but to what extent does his internal anguish go? This is rated R for reference to suicide.


Eternally Lost

By: X-Zero

I dedicate this to a friend of mine who lived a very lonely painful life. Who I wish had been able to talk to, whose pain I wish that I had seen. Before he thought it too late. This is dedicated to everyone who's life has been painful, and to everyone who has lost a friend because they couldn't see it coming. Please read the author's notes at the end.

Disclaimer: I do not own Ranma 1/2, that honor belongs to Rumiko Takahashi and whoever else.

Ryouga had wandered for all his life, but no one seemed to know why. He was called the eternally lost boy, but no one sought to understand. His life was a constant misery, he couldn't find his way anywhere. He was without anywhere to call home, unless one were to look down upon the road. That was his home, one that didn't mock him, one that grew steadily more depressing as he saw those around him settling down. He wandered about the world, learning all he could about the art, constantly searching for a cure to his curse, the new torment in his existence. His latest fear, one of many he'd developed since his family curse manifested itself. He dreamt each night that he'd woken up the next morning trapped as the small black piglet that the Pools of Sorrow had cursed him to become.

"Ranma, you bastard." The vagabond cursed under his breath, he settled his ire at the one greatest source of depression and anger in his life. Sure, he said he hated Ranma, but none could truly understand the depth of his feelings. Ranma was everything he wanted, he was a prodigy of the art that Ryouga couldn't quite overcome. He had a stable home, whether it was new or not, the pigtailed boy could always look to that home, the dojo, Akane... That last thought was a particularly sore spot with the endless traveler. He knew her feelings, she told them to him clear as day, each time she settled into sleep, she would weep over that worthless ingrate Ranma. She poured out her heart to that pig, and he couldn't help but hate the other boy for the pain he caused with his callous handling of his situation. Each of the girls loved him, Ukyo, Shampoo, Kodachi. Each had their own way to try to show him, but would he, could he understand that this was killing each? No, but Ryouga, all he could expect was the brief moment of kindness and pity from any of them. No one could love a man like him, he couldn't be reliable for them, for her. What manner of husband could he be, like his father, no, he'd never be that man, the man who'd married his mother, leaving her to be alone constantly, only coming home to her by chance. He'd never allow that to happen, he'd never leave the woman he loved, or his children alone.

His emotions whirled constantly within him, the halo of green swirling to life around him as he moved throughout the stree... er, forest, desert. He shook his head, Best not to think of that, or I'll only get more depressed. His stony visage cracked, his tears threatening to burst from the pain filled expression lurking beneath the surface of his eyes. "Damnit Ranma, why can't you understand? Why can't you just appreciate what you have?" He asked the winds, knowing no other could possibly hear him. He felt his balance shift, and nearly toppled headlong over the edge, the edge of the cliff he now stood before. Upon regaining his balance he looked around himself, and decided that here is where he would make camp for the night, as apparently it had grown dark.

His tent was pitched, and the growing green radiance around him was cascading over his form like a bonfire of hunter liquid metal. The eternal wanderer settled down for the night, his depression continuing to grow as the thoughts of pained life drowned him in misery. Tears leaked from his eyes falling onto the paper as he wrote. "I am Ryouga Hibiki, and this is my final goodbye. For long now has my life been far too painful to bear, and in this depression I have decided that I will now, at the age of 17 rid myself of this pained existence. I stand now at the cliffside somewhere along the eastern coast of my native homeland of Japan. I find myself unable to deliver this message, because, it is likely that I would never find an area secluded enough for my tribute. I will end my own life in a single moment, I will perform the true and perfect Shi Shi Hokodan. To those who might have considered me friends, I am sorry, but the life of pain I have led will only continue to grow worse. I do not want to live my life like my father, a man who I have no clear memory of.

Lastly, if this message ever finds its way to Ranma Saotome: Ranma, for a long time I have tried to kill you, but I realize now that it was just me striking out at you in anger. You have everything I could ever want, people that love you, a home, and a future. Akane loves you, and as much as I wish I could take that place in her heart from you, I know that I can't, and won't steal from her the happiness of a reliable husband that she deserves. Don't break her heart anymore, if you love her, tell her so, if not, than tell her that, don't keep her crying herself to sleep anymore. She deserves better. Finally, to Akari Unryuu, you were the first person who was kind to me before and after finding out about my curse, the one who despite the strange idea of marriage based on my defeat of Katsunishiki, the sumo pig. I grew to care for you, even love you, and I wish I could have been the dependable husband you so very much deserve. I'm sorry again, goodbye"

And that was the last thing he wrote, as he left his pack and the note. He grabbed up his umbrella, and actually took off his bandanas. The tiger striped material being set to rest gently atop the large traveling pack. He set his hand lightly atop the pack, and walked to the middle of his camp, sitting down crosslegged as he began to draw in his energy, pulling bits of ambient chi from the surroundings, Yeah, this is it, one last time, and then it will all be over. He thought to himself as he struggled to pull enough in, only then would this awesome amount of power be enough to extinguish his life. He was preparing himself now, his umbrella rested accross his legs, and one could almost see the titanic amount of chi he had stacked into the makeshift weapon over the years, adding to both its weight and durability, he had drawn all of it out, pulling the energy into himself. A now normal and fragile bamboo rainstay, laying accross his knees. His life would end not in the usual method of the warrior, not by the sword of an enemy, not be his own blade for a failure in life, no, he would die because living was a waste of time, and his weapon of choice would be the very depression he felt. He'd gather it all, and then explode it within his own body. Despite his awesome power, his greatest fear was an inevitability, he would die alone, lost within the wilderness. Without anyone to grieve for him, or know to grieve his passing. He felt the core of his being shift, and knew it was time.

He was ready, and the edge was swiftly arriving, when a single word pierced his concentration, and everything he'd been doing disipated.

"Ryouga?!" His eyes snapped open, and his attention went quickly to the source.

There stood Akari, the one person he had released his emotions to, the one person to truly gain his love, and return without a second thought. She stood, a pink piglet squirming in her one-handed grasp, and the tearstained note in hand. In an instant she was beside him, hugging him tightly, the small piglet nestled in his lap as she pressed against him, crying, and pounding into his chest. "Don't..." She gasped through her sobs. "Don't you ever do that, don't ever leave us all. Don't leave me." She continued to hold him, refusing to let go. She had decided that she would be his anchor, she would tie him to this world. She wouldn't let go of this man she had grown to love since she had met him.

Ten Years Later

Ryouga looked down at his wife, the one constant in his life for the last ten years. "Akari, I love you." He said and dropped his head back against the pillow, sighing contentedly as he looked up at the stars before fading into the blissful dreams that had become a familiar thing to him. His life was finally understood, his challenge was to find this wonderful woman who would be with him regardless of where he went.

The End

Author's Notes: I wrote this in the course of an hour while listening to the unforgiven, which is a song that was the favorite of my friend. This friend commited suicide in 1997, I regret being unable to help her, and regret that she could never talk to someone. Hopefully, those who read this will see its message, and those who have contemplated suicide before will talk to someone, anyone, just remember that no matter what you may think, there is someone who cares enough for you to risk everything.

Shi Shi Hokodan- Roaring Lion Bullet: This is an energy manifestation of his depression.


End file.
